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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Pakistan Bans YouTube

The government of Pakistan has blocked access to YouTube over anti-Islamic clips posted on the video-sharing site. What do you think?
  • "It's a shame that now the only place for Pakistan's amateur filmmakers to post their work is CNN."

    Chris Ricciardi Documentation Clerk
  • "Hopefully there will be a day in which little Pakistani boys and girls can come together with their Western counterparts and watch a video of a horny donkey trying to hump a guy taking a leak in its pasture."

    Janelle Ashland Purification Assistant
  • "I'd expect this kind of fear-mongering behavior from Russia, China, America, France, England, Iran, Japan, Spain, Germany, Venezuela, and Israel. But not Pakistan."

    Blake Barrie Asbestos Abatement Worker

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