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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Palace Of Biblical King David Found

A team of Israeli archaeologists claim to have uncovered the ruins of the famed biblical King David’s palace near Jerusalem, though some historians and archaeologists dispute the findings and others claim David never existed at all. What do you think?

  • “To confirm that it’s David, they should look around for a small stone.”

    Harley Whalen Systems Analyst
  • “Hmm, what’s the address of that house they found? Because they should check the Bible to see if it matches up.”

    Leora Musgrove Polishing Wheel Repairer
  • “I guess that place in Paterson I thought was King David’s belonged to some other guy.”

    Iggy Bly Unclaimed Property Officer
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