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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Palace Of Biblical King David Found

A team of Israeli archaeologists claim to have uncovered the ruins of the famed biblical King David’s palace near Jerusalem, though some historians and archaeologists dispute the findings and others claim David never existed at all. What do you think?

  • “To confirm that it’s David, they should look around for a small stone.”

    Harley Whalen Systems Analyst
  • “Hmm, what’s the address of that house they found? Because they should check the Bible to see if it matches up.”

    Leora Musgrove Polishing Wheel Repairer
  • “I guess that place in Paterson I thought was King David’s belonged to some other guy.”

    Iggy Bly Unclaimed Property Officer

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