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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Palestinian Leader Arafat Exhumed

Following an investigation that found polonium-210, a lethal chemical, on articles of his clothing, the body of longtime Palestinian nationalist leader Yasser Arafat, who died in 2004, was exhumed today to determine whether he was poisoned. What do you think?

  • “But who would want to kill Yasser Arafat?”

    Patrick Voorheis Maintenance Dispatcher
  • “How do we know his clothes didn’t just come like that, like those jeans that come ripped?”

    Kendra Rojas Diving Board Assembler
  • “If their hunch is correct, they need to administer the antidote ASAP.”

    Stefan Remmel Unemployed

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