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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Palin Abdicates Gubernatorial Seat

Alaska governor Sarah Palin turned over executive control of the state to Sean Parnell, saying that if she served a lame duck year in the office, it would not benefit anyone. What do you think?
  • “Beautiful, a liar, and a quitter. God, I haven’t been this aroused by the thought of a woman in two years.”

    Charles Mann Bias-Binding Cutter
  • “Nothing can distract her laser focus from the ultimate prize: the Fields Medal.”

    Dawn Pitkin Garment Inspector
  • "With this Sean Parnell guy coming in, at least they won't have to change the initials carved into the caribou-antler throne that has served as the ceremonial seat of Alaskan governors since 1959."

    Pat Wasserstrom Honey Extractor

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