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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Panda Born At D.C.’s National Zoo

After being artificially inseminated earlier this year, the Smithsonian National Zoo’s resident female panda Mei Xiang gave birth to a healthy 4.8-ounce cub Friday. What do you think?

  • “What a lucky little captive.”

    Marcel Underwood Chain Repairer
  • “I can’t imagine what it’d be like to be a panda. Lord knows I’ve tried.”

    Edgar Serbedzija Blood Bank Worker
  • “How cute and against God.”

    Anne Wisdom Highway Inspector

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