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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Panda Born At D.C.’s National Zoo

After being artificially inseminated earlier this year, the Smithsonian National Zoo’s resident female panda Mei Xiang gave birth to a healthy 4.8-ounce cub Friday. What do you think?

  • “What a lucky little captive.”

    Marcel Underwood Chain Repairer
  • “I can’t imagine what it’d be like to be a panda. Lord knows I’ve tried.”

    Edgar Serbedzija Blood Bank Worker
  • “How cute and against God.”

    Anne Wisdom Highway Inspector

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