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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Panda Born At National Zoo

After five disappointing false pregnancies, Mei Xiang, the female panda at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C., gave birth to a four-ounce cub last night, stunning zoo officials. What do you think?

  • “May mother and child enjoy many years of being gawked at in a cage.”

    Gene Tanchauco Systems Analyst
  • “I’ll give a shit once the cub looks cute and furry and not like a wiggling piece of sausage.”

    Sage Ralston Shuttle Bus Driver
  • “Did it sneeze? Don’t bother me until it sneezes.”

    Jayne Caefer Air-Conditioning Mechanic
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