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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Papal Conclave Begins At Vatican

The Vatican’s College of Cardinals convened the papal conclave today, beginning the process of selecting the Roman Catholic Church’s 266th pope. What do you think?

  • “To be honest, I was pretty disappointed by the first 265 popes. But I have a really good feeling about this one.”

    Martin Garr Disc Jockey
  • “Conclaves are a sham, man. Everyone knows that corporations choose the pope.”

    Elizabeth Sutton Dog Breeder
  • “Can you imagine spending hours and hours in a room with those old guys just talking pope stuff all day? So awesome.”

    Conrad Osgood Beekeeper

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