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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Parental Drinking Supervision Doesn't Work

A new study concludes that teens who drink with parental approval and supervision have a higher risk of becoming problem drinkers than those who wait until they're 21. What do you think?

  • “Like I’m going to let the public school system indoctrinate my kid against our household’s preferred brand of vodka.”

    Raoul Williams Handle Maker
  • "Fine, no more alcohol. But I'll really have to step up my shockingly open flirtation with my son's friends if I'm going to retain my 'cool mom' status."

    Dixie Yennie Benefits Manager
  • "Come on, man, my kids aren't even fun unless they're a little drunk."

    Carson Kitamura Rabble-Furnace Tender

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