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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Parents Paying Professionals To Pack Kids’ Summer Camp Bags

To reduce the stress of getting kids ready for summer camp, parents in New York City are reportedly paying professional organizing companies up to $250 per hour to pack their children’s bags with high-quality sheets, fancy soaps, and other supplies. What do you think?

  • “But the point of summer camp is learning to discriminate based on popularity and athletic prowess, not wealth.”

    Harry Chapman Systems Analyst
  • “Yeah, it’s probably better for everyone if these particular parents don’t have too much direct contact with their kids.”

    Gabe Lehrman Carbon Dating Technician
  • “With unforeseen expenses like this popping up, no wonder it costs so much to raise a kid these days.”

    Jennifer Balch Vase Seller
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