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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Parents Paying Professionals To Pack Kids’ Summer Camp Bags

To reduce the stress of getting kids ready for summer camp, parents in New York City are reportedly paying professional organizing companies up to $250 per hour to pack their children’s bags with high-quality sheets, fancy soaps, and other supplies. What do you think?

  • “But the point of summer camp is learning to discriminate based on popularity and athletic prowess, not wealth.”

    Harry Chapman Systems Analyst
  • “Yeah, it’s probably better for everyone if these particular parents don’t have too much direct contact with their kids.”

    Gabe Lehrman Carbon Dating Technician
  • “With unforeseen expenses like this popping up, no wonder it costs so much to raise a kid these days.”

    Jennifer Balch Vase Seller

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