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Parents Urged To Suck Infants' Pacifiers To Prevent Allergies

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Parents Urged To Suck Infants' Pacifiers To Prevent Allergies

A study found that parents could help prevent allergies in their infants by sucking on their children’s pacifiers before returning them to the kids, thereby introducing them to a variety of oral bacteria and aiding their immune system development. What do you think?

  • “Owning a baby just keeps getting grosser and grosser.”

    Alexander Bonnet Unemployed
  • “It’s been quite a while since I’ve sucked on a pacifier. But not quite as long as you might hope.”

    Aurora Roland Silhouette Artist
  • “I don’t love my kid that much.”

    Werner Schafer Engine Assembler

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