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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Pat Robertson's Remarks

Televangelist Pat Robertson recently called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. What do you think?
  • "This recalls a moral and ethical dilemma theologians have grappled with for millennia, namely: Is it right to murder people?"

    Lisa Willis Florist
  • "Pat Robertson, as a Christian, a politician, or a pundit, is a living argument for the separation of head and body."

    Earl Keener Technical Writer
  • "Forgive him, Father. He knows not his ass from a fucking hole in the ground."

    Stephen LaSalle Truck Driver
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