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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Patrick Duffy’s Ideal Role

What role do you think Patrick Duffy would be best suited for?
  • "I think he should play the lone survivor of an aquatic race who uses his special powers to aid the government. He already played one? Well, then how about the patriarch of a blended family? Really? Wow. This guy is good."

    Donald Zagoras Marine Recruiter
  • “Does one instruct Beethoven on which key is most pleasing or tell Picasso what colors are fairest? No. One simply admires a virtuoso at work.”

    Felix Tunnison Drywaller
  • "Anything where he gets to smile."

    Mary Nahn Museum Curator
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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