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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Patriot Act Renewed

The House and Senate have reached a deal to re-authorize the Patriot Act. What do you think?
  • "Dammit! I'm never going to be able to check that falafel cookbook out of the library."

    Bill Parker Metal Fabricator
  • "It's about time they did something to stop all the out-of-control patriotism in this country."

    Mary Alice Cornog Beekeeper
  • "I'd really like to tell this damn government what I think, but thanks to the Patriot Act, they already know."

    Matt Morreti Zoologist

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