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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Paul McCartney To Headline Bonnaroo

Weird Al Yankovic unveiled this year’s lineup for the Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival, announcing that Sir Paul McCartney would headline the four-day event along with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and Mumford and Sons. What do you think?

  • “He’s got to be thrilled for the chance to share a stage with Marcus Mumford.”

    Robert Alonzo Brazer
  • “Good one, Weird Al. Now, how about we get someone who’s not a wiseacre to tell us the real Bonnaroo lineup?”

    Camille Surma Dynamometer Tester
  • “He must really like music.”

    Martin Veneziano Stamp Presser

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