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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Paul McCartney: Yoko Ono Didn't Break Up Beatles

In an interview with David Frost, Paul McCartney rejected the long-lived allegations that John Lennon’s wife, Yoko Ono, caused the Beatles’ breakup in 1970, stating that the band was already in the process of splitting up at the time. What do you think?

  • “I’m not going to watch. I’ll wait for the Frost/McCartney movie instead.”

    Wanda Klein Court Clerk
  • “Yoko may not have actually ‘broken up’ the Beatles, but let’s be fair here: All that screaming while flailing about onstage in a bag certainly couldn’t have helped the situation much either.”

    Greg Coady Door Installer
  • “I bet whoever Ringo was banging did it.”

    Alvin Randall Cruise Ship Captain

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