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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Paul McCartney: Yoko Ono Didn't Break Up Beatles

In an interview with David Frost, Paul McCartney rejected the long-lived allegations that John Lennon’s wife, Yoko Ono, caused the Beatles’ breakup in 1970, stating that the band was already in the process of splitting up at the time. What do you think?

  • “I’m not going to watch. I’ll wait for the Frost/McCartney movie instead.”

    Wanda Klein Court Clerk
  • “Yoko may not have actually ‘broken up’ the Beatles, but let’s be fair here: All that screaming while flailing about onstage in a bag certainly couldn’t have helped the situation much either.”

    Greg Coady Door Installer
  • “I bet whoever Ringo was banging did it.”

    Alvin Randall Cruise Ship Captain

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