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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Paula Deen Has Diabetes

Chef Paula Deen announced this week that she has been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. What do you think?

  • "Whew. Good thing I’ve been substituting part skim ricotta in her lasagna sandwich recipe."

    Kevin Rich Systems Analyst
  • "She’ll have plenty of help. Paul Prudhomme can show her how to cook from a scooter."

    Frieda Pierce Mark-Up Designer
  • "I always knew there was something wrong with that woman, though diabetes was not my first guess."

    Tad Brumley Floor Winder

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