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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Paula Deen Loses Ham Endorsement Deal

After it was revealed last week that Paula Deen used racial slurs and made a number of racist jokes, the prominent pork company Smithfield Farms, which boasted a line of Paula Deen–branded hams, has severed its ties with the celebrity chef. What do you think?

  • “What do they need her for anyway? Ham sells itself.”

    Sharon Weisser Art Appraiser
  • “Shoot, I had a great idea for an ad where someone stuffs a Smithfield ham in Paula Deen’s mouth whenever she starts to talk about black people.”

    Shawn Pressman Liquor Inspector
  • “Losing a ham endorsement deal after charges of racism—we’ve all been there.”

    Conrad Tully Typewriter Servicer

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