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Pawlenty Drops Out

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Pawlenty Drops Out

Following a poor showing in the Iowa straw poll, former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty announced Sunday he was no longer seeking to become the Republican nominee for president. What do you think?

  • “I don’t see how this is going to help his campaign at all.”

    Damon Chater
    Hand Embroiderer
  • "When Ron Paul beats you with hand-painted plywood signs left over from 2007, it's definitely time to pack it up."

    Julie Steltmann
    Trust-Vault Clerk
  • "If he can't handle the results of some silly straw poll, how would he have handled bombing Iran? I need someone who can handle a straw poll and bomb Iran."

    Jay Diblasi
    Goods Layer

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