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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Peanut Allergies May Be Cured

According to Duke University medical researchers, a cure for peanut allergies may be five years away. What do you think?
  • "Why didn't you tell me that you were going to mention peanuts? My throat is seizing up already! Quick, the epinephrine!"

    Jimmy Rawls Steam Fitter
  • "Did you know a peanut isn't really a nut? It's a legume! Did you know that? Huh?"

    Daniel Mahone Ice Cream Man
  • "Can they speed that up? I've got a pack of Nutter Butters that expires in 2010."

    Deirdre Barksdale Livery Driver
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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