adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Peanut Allergies May Be Cured

According to Duke University medical researchers, a cure for peanut allergies may be five years away. What do you think?
  • "Why didn't you tell me that you were going to mention peanuts? My throat is seizing up already! Quick, the epinephrine!"

    Jimmy Rawls Steam Fitter
  • "Did you know a peanut isn't really a nut? It's a legume! Did you know that? Huh?"

    Daniel Mahone Ice Cream Man
  • "Can they speed that up? I've got a pack of Nutter Butters that expires in 2010."

    Deirdre Barksdale Livery Driver

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close