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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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'Peanuts' Movie In The Works

Twentieth Century Fox announced it will begin production on an animated movie of the iconic comic strip Peanuts and gave a targeted release date of November 2015, which coincides with the cartoon’s 65th anniversary. What do you think?

  • “Good call. Kids love defunct comic strips.”

    Steven Bradpiece Nursing Home Administrator
  • “Anyone against this project will be swayed by Linus’ heartfelt soliloquy on uplifting movie adaptations.”

    Ellis Nuth Frame Maker
  • “Can you tell them to wait? I have like 15,000 panels left to read before I get all caught up.”

    Betty Fong Extract Wringer

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