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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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'Peanuts' Movie In The Works

Twentieth Century Fox announced it will begin production on an animated movie of the iconic comic strip Peanuts and gave a targeted release date of November 2015, which coincides with the cartoon’s 65th anniversary. What do you think?

  • “Good call. Kids love defunct comic strips.”

    Steven Bradpiece Nursing Home Administrator
  • “Anyone against this project will be swayed by Linus’ heartfelt soliloquy on uplifting movie adaptations.”

    Ellis Nuth Frame Maker
  • “Can you tell them to wait? I have like 15,000 panels left to read before I get all caught up.”

    Betty Fong Extract Wringer

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