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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Pediatricians: School Should Start Later For Teens So They Can Sleep

The American Academy of Pediatrics issued a formal policy statement Monday recommending that schools with teenage students should start no earlier than 8:30 a.m. because chronic sleep loss can cause teens to become overweight or depressed, get in more car accidents, and have a lower quality of life. What do you think?

  • “But sleepy students are way easier to indoctrinate.”

    Ava Marin Flight Attendant Trainee
  • “No way. It’s crucial to give teenagers the skills they need to slog through life half-asleep.”

    Stan Lazar Band Poster Designer
  • “And why do we want teens to be happy, again?”

    Jack Kamber Plant Biologist

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God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

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