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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Pediatricians: School Should Start Later For Teens So They Can Sleep

The American Academy of Pediatrics issued a formal policy statement Monday recommending that schools with teenage students should start no earlier than 8:30 a.m. because chronic sleep loss can cause teens to become overweight or depressed, get in more car accidents, and have a lower quality of life. What do you think?

  • “But sleepy students are way easier to indoctrinate.”

    Ava Marin Flight Attendant Trainee
  • “No way. It’s crucial to give teenagers the skills they need to slog through life half-asleep.”

    Stan Lazar Band Poster Designer
  • “And why do we want teens to be happy, again?”

    Jack Kamber Plant Biologist

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