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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Pediatricians: Screen All Children For Depression, HIV

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends in its new guidelines that all children regardless of risk level be regularly tested for high cholesterol, depression, and HIV, screenings that could detect issues early enough to eliminate the need for medication later in life. What do you think?

  • “Sure, as long as I can still regularly assure my kids that life is meaningless.”

    Harvey Carson Brick Molder
  • “We can’t keep coddling our children with all this medical attention.”

    Gail Whethers Tongues Translator
  • “They should probably also see a podiatrist. It just seems to fit with all that other stuff, you know?”

    Marco Zimmer Unemployed

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