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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Pediatricians: Screen All Children For Depression, HIV

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends in its new guidelines that all children regardless of risk level be regularly tested for high cholesterol, depression, and HIV, screenings that could detect issues early enough to eliminate the need for medication later in life. What do you think?

  • “Sure, as long as I can still regularly assure my kids that life is meaningless.”

    Harvey Carson Brick Molder
  • “We can’t keep coddling our children with all this medical attention.”

    Gail Whethers Tongues Translator
  • “They should probably also see a podiatrist. It just seems to fit with all that other stuff, you know?”

    Marco Zimmer Unemployed
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