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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pediatricians: Stop Using Trampolines

Citing 98,000 trampoline-related injuries in the U.S. in 2009, the American Academy of Pediatrics published a statement in the journal Pediatrics that “strongly discouraged” children’s use of trampolines. What do you think?

  • “Sounds like these doctors just want more trampoline time for themselves.”

    Camilla Machado Tax Auditor
  • “I’m sorry, but the pure, unadulterated joy on my daughter’s face as she floats carelessly through the air is worth any ensuing snapped bones or paralysis.”

    Eric DeAngelis Lard Refiner
  • “Oh, come on. Most of those injuries weren’t caused by trampolines—they were caused by the ground.”

    Maury Maas Geophysical Drafter

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