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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Pediatricians: Stop Using Trampolines

Citing 98,000 trampoline-related injuries in the U.S. in 2009, the American Academy of Pediatrics published a statement in the journal Pediatrics that “strongly discouraged” children’s use of trampolines. What do you think?

  • “Sounds like these doctors just want more trampoline time for themselves.”

    Camilla Machado Tax Auditor
  • “I’m sorry, but the pure, unadulterated joy on my daughter’s face as she floats carelessly through the air is worth any ensuing snapped bones or paralysis.”

    Eric DeAngelis Lard Refiner
  • “Oh, come on. Most of those injuries weren’t caused by trampolines—they were caused by the ground.”

    Maury Maas Geophysical Drafter
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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