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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Pediatricians: Stop Using Trampolines

Citing 98,000 trampoline-related injuries in the U.S. in 2009, the American Academy of Pediatrics published a statement in the journal Pediatrics that “strongly discouraged” children’s use of trampolines. What do you think?

  • “Sounds like these doctors just want more trampoline time for themselves.”

    Camilla Machado Tax Auditor
  • “I’m sorry, but the pure, unadulterated joy on my daughter’s face as she floats carelessly through the air is worth any ensuing snapped bones or paralysis.”

    Eric DeAngelis Lard Refiner
  • “Oh, come on. Most of those injuries weren’t caused by trampolines—they were caused by the ground.”

    Maury Maas Geophysical Drafter
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