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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pediatricians Tout Benefits Of Circumcision

After a major review of medical research, the American Academy of Pediatrics announced that the benefits of circumcising newborn males outweighed the risks, citing in particular circumcised men’s lower risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases. What do you think?

  • “Look, I can’t keep getting my foreskin sewn back on and then taken off again every time a new study comes out.”

    Jose Angel Rosales University Dean
  • “Whatever this new-fangled thing is, if my son wants it, he can save up his allowance and pay for it himself.”

    Wendy Batzdorff Merchandise Distributor
  • “Of course the doctors recommend it. They’re the ones who get to keep all the foreskins.”

    James Landi Armature Tester

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