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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Pediatricians Tout Benefits Of Circumcision

After a major review of medical research, the American Academy of Pediatrics announced that the benefits of circumcising newborn males outweighed the risks, citing in particular circumcised men’s lower risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases. What do you think?

  • “Look, I can’t keep getting my foreskin sewn back on and then taken off again every time a new study comes out.”

    Jose Angel Rosales University Dean
  • “Whatever this new-fangled thing is, if my son wants it, he can save up his allowance and pay for it himself.”

    Wendy Batzdorff Merchandise Distributor
  • “Of course the doctors recommend it. They’re the ones who get to keep all the foreskins.”

    James Landi Armature Tester
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