Pentagon Brass Supports Gays In Military

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Vol 46 Issue 05

Huge Chunk Of Nation You'd Never Want To Meet Excited For Daytona 500

NEW YORK—Although you are more interested in the pitchers and catchers reporting to spring training in a few days, or even the upcoming Winter Olympics, a significant chunk of society that you are aware of but would rather have nothing to do with is very much looking forward to the Daytona 500, NASCAR's season-opening race.

Phil Mickelson

Due to the vagaries of current events, Phil Mickelson is currently the best golfer on the PGA tour. Is he any good?

Top Recruit Tricked Into Committing To Notre Dame

ST. PAUL, MN—One of the most sought-after high school recruits of the year, Sean Harrisson, a 270-pound, 6-foot-2 linebacker, unwittingly signed with Notre Dame after Fighting Irish coach Brian Kelly played a series of mind tricks on the senior.
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Pentagon Brass Supports Gays In Military

Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Mike Mullen both spoke out in favor of Obama's call to lift the "don't ask, don't tell" policy and allow gays to serve openly in the military. What do you think?
  • "Yet still they discriminate against our flat-footed brothers and sisters."

    Will Greenberg
    Double-Needle Stitcher
  • "Allowing gays to serve openly in the Army is a long overdue reform, but it must be accompanied by an assurance that heterosexuals will be able to serve openly in the Navy."

    Farley O'Donnell
    Kiln Operator
  • "Man, it's gonna be weird in 30 years when there's some homeless, drugged-up veteran on the sidewalk and I'm not gonna be sure what his sexual orientation is."

    Lydia Toplyn
    Organ Installer
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