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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Pentagon Proposes Scaling Back Army To Pre-WWII Levels

Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel proposed a new Pentagon budget that would shrink the U.S. Army to its smallest size in 74 years and retire an entire fleet of A-10 “Warthog” jets, cuts he said would allow for a more versatile, technologically advanced force. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, we did things just right in the run-up to World War II.”

    Jackson Cummings Software Installer
  • “Our enemies who wanted America to have a more versatile, technologically advanced fighting force have won!”

    Brenda Sockaloe Furniture Arranger
  • “I give it 10 months before Hagel comes crawling back to the Flying Warthogs.”

    Harry McKee Sound Mixer

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