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People More Likely To Die On Birthdays

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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People More Likely To Die On Birthdays

According to a Swiss study published in the journal Annals Of Epidemiology, people have a 14 percent greater chance of dying on their birthday. What do you think?

  • "Oh, Christ, another way people can make an entire day about themselves."

    Gordon Pleasance Dough Mixer
  • “That’s nothing. Last year on my birthday, my parents totally forgot to call and my boyfriend got me the stupidest watch.”

    Deanna Curtis Bundle Tier and Labeler
  • "I like the symmetry of it all, but I hate the idea of roaming the afterlife with a party hat on."

    Dane Kyes Unemployed

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