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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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People More Likely To Die On Birthdays

According to a Swiss study published in the journal Annals Of Epidemiology, people have a 14 percent greater chance of dying on their birthday. What do you think?

  • "Oh, Christ, another way people can make an entire day about themselves."

    Gordon Pleasance Dough Mixer
  • “That’s nothing. Last year on my birthday, my parents totally forgot to call and my boyfriend got me the stupidest watch.”

    Deanna Curtis Bundle Tier and Labeler
  • "I like the symmetry of it all, but I hate the idea of roaming the afterlife with a party hat on."

    Dane Kyes Unemployed

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