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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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People More Likely To Die On Birthdays

According to a Swiss study published in the journal Annals Of Epidemiology, people have a 14 percent greater chance of dying on their birthday. What do you think?

  • "Oh, Christ, another way people can make an entire day about themselves."

    Gordon Pleasance Dough Mixer
  • “That’s nothing. Last year on my birthday, my parents totally forgot to call and my boyfriend got me the stupidest watch.”

    Deanna Curtis Bundle Tier and Labeler
  • "I like the symmetry of it all, but I hate the idea of roaming the afterlife with a party hat on."

    Dane Kyes Unemployed

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