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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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‘People’ To Stop Publishing Photos Of Celeb Kids

Citing the need to curb aggressive paparazzi tactics, People magazine announced that they would no longer be publishing photos of celebrity children taken without the parents’ consent. What do you think?

  • “Could they at least tell us when and where the celebs’ kids will be so we can go look at them for ourselves?”

    Dana Rogers Trauma Surgeon
  • “What a load of horseshit. Those kids knew what they were getting into when they were conceived by celebrities.”

    Cameron Dodd Bank Teller
  • “I just hope those kids will get enough attention somehow.”

    Asher LaMarca General Store Manager

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