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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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‘People’ To Stop Publishing Photos Of Celeb Kids

Citing the need to curb aggressive paparazzi tactics, People magazine announced that they would no longer be publishing photos of celebrity children taken without the parents’ consent. What do you think?

  • “Could they at least tell us when and where the celebs’ kids will be so we can go look at them for ourselves?”

    Dana Rogers Trauma Surgeon
  • “What a load of horseshit. Those kids knew what they were getting into when they were conceived by celebrities.”

    Cameron Dodd Bank Teller
  • “I just hope those kids will get enough attention somehow.”

    Asher LaMarca General Store Manager
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