adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

People With Children Live Longer

According to a study by Danish researchers, men and women who do not have children are at increased risk of dying early when compared to those who have kids. What do you think?

  • “Do they have to be my own children or will any old kid I find work?”

    Conor Keely Crane Operator
  • “I was just wondering why my parents were still alive.”

    Janette Leganger Flavoring Maker
  • “So how many more cigarettes can I smoke every year per kid?”

    Arnie Hammerstrom Copperplate Engraver

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close