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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pepsi Introduces High-Fiber, 'Fat-Blocking' Soda

Aiming to attract young and health-conscious consumers, PepsiCo introduced “Pepsi Special” in Japan yesterday, a high-fiber drink that contains the water-absorbing substance dextrin, which the company claims will help reduce body fat. What do you think?

  • “About time. I’m sick of drinking Pepsi Decent.”

    Neils Brostoff Home Health Aide
  • “I’m sure this will be a huge hit—all kids ever seem to talk about today is their high-fiber diets.”

    Albert Flack Resin Worker
  • “I bet this is one of those scams where they make it seem healthy by making the serving size really small, like 24 ounces.”

    Phyllis Monroe Turnstile Attendant

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