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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Period Suppression Pill OK'd

The FDA approved Lybrel, a birth control pill that stops the monthly menstrual cycle altogether. What do you think?
  • "This is unfair—when will they come up with a pill that keeps my genitals from bleeding."

    Chris Jawoerk Marketing Director
  • "This could potentially ruin daytime television's entire sponsorship model."

    Alex Lau Sous Chef
  • "I've already figured out a way to stop the menstrual cycle altogether: 14 consecutive pregnancies."

    Baly Sniderman Admissions Clerk
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