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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Perry Became Millionaire In Politics

Since entering public office, Texas governor Rick Perry has profited from multiple land deals that, according to critics, were the result of his political connections. What do you think?

  • “That shows the exact kind of corrupt savvy a president will need to get this country back on track.”

    Dorian Flood Unemployed
  • “I'm not buying it. Everybody knows Perry made his millions through a string of prudent livestock investments in the ’80s.”

    Steve Brown Gambreler
  • “Yeah, exactly. Being a Texas governor is awesome.”

    Bernard Langford Systems Analyst

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