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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Personal Bankruptcy Laws

A new bankruptcy law went into effect last week, making it harder for consumers to clear their debts with Chapter 7 bankruptcy. What do you think?
  • "If they didn't want to go bankrupt, people should have thought about that before deciding to pursue their dreams."

    Kelley Wyler Bank Teller
  • "I'm sure that whatever happens, that man with question marks on his suit will be able to help."

    Don Rensalear Systems Analyst
  • "And just in time for the new restrictions to apply to the hurricane victims, too! Who said there's no such thing as miracles?"

    Claude Connelloy Dairy Farmer
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