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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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PETA Attacks Chris Christie For Killing Spider

After New Jersey governor Chris Christie posted a video online of him squishing a spider with his hand while meeting with a group of children, the president of PETA issued a response chiding Christie for not thinking about the spider’s worth as a living being. What do you think?

  • “How quickly PETA forgets the topless poster that Christie posed in for them in ’07.”

    Anne Vergallo Systems Analyst
  • “Too bad there wasn’t a political cartoonist on hand to write something on the spider, like ‘deficit’ or something.”

    Oliver Kassovitz Bookbinder
  • “Well, there go his chances in 2016.”

    Giles Robin Employment Counselor

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