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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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PETA Attacks Chris Christie For Killing Spider

After New Jersey governor Chris Christie posted a video online of him squishing a spider with his hand while meeting with a group of children, the president of PETA issued a response chiding Christie for not thinking about the spider’s worth as a living being. What do you think?

  • “How quickly PETA forgets the topless poster that Christie posed in for them in ’07.”

    Anne Vergallo Systems Analyst
  • “Too bad there wasn’t a political cartoonist on hand to write something on the spider, like ‘deficit’ or something.”

    Oliver Kassovitz Bookbinder
  • “Well, there go his chances in 2016.”

    Giles Robin Employment Counselor

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