adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

PETA Demands New Ending For Live-Action ‘Dumbo’

After Disney announced it is making a live-action remake of the 1941 animated classic Dumbo, PETA has demanded that producers change the original finale of the film, where Dumbo becomes the star of the circus, to a “happy ending” where he can retire from entertainment and escape to an elephant sanctuary. What do you think?

  • “Having to leave the circus would be a devastating blow to a natural performer like Dumbo.”

    Chris Langridge Teen Center Supervisor
  • “I’m sure the captive elephant that plays Dumbo will love pretending to be free.”

    Ben Young Systems Analyst
  • “PETA always gives good script notes.”

    Jenny Whitaker Smoothie Maker
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close