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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Petco To Stop Selling Dog, Cat Treats Made In China

The pet supply retail chain Petco has announced that after the deaths of 1,000 dogs were linked to consuming chicken, duck and jerky treats imported from China, it will cease selling Chinese-made pet treats in its 1,300 stores across the nation. What do you think?

  • "For me this issue is mostly academic, as I've been banned from all 1,300 Petco locations."

    William Kesteren Meat Curer
  • "Now where is my dog going to get his daily recommended allowance of cadmium?"

    Max Whinnett Poker Room Supervisor
  • "Thankfully I've been importing Chinese ducks for months for just such an emergency."

    Sarah Cavalli Sweater Designer

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