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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Petraeus Resigns Over Affair

CIA director and retired four-star Army general David Petraeus resigned after the FBI discovered his extramarital affair with Paula Broadwell, the West Point graduate, Army reservist, and Ph.D. candidate who co-wrote his biography. What do you think?

  • “Listen, you don’t get to be a four-star general without smooching a few West Point grads.”

    Serena Ritter Lapidary
  • “As a married man, I can’t tell you how tempting it is to fall in love with your biographer.”

    Glenn Bradfort Systems Analyst
  • “That book was okay. I liked the military stuff, but got bored all those times it talked about his delicate touch or how his wife takes him for granted and doesn’t deserve his love.”

    Vicente Rivera Reed Maker
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