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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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PG-13 Movies Have More Gun Violence Than R Movies

A study found that the amount of gun violence in PG-13–rated movies has more than tripled since 1985, with recent PG-13 films containing more gun violence than R-rated films. What do you think?

  • “How else are children going to learn to shoot while jumping sideways?”

    Frederick Leitzman Engraver
  • “Well, if you have a better suggestion for how Jack Reacher should defend himself, I’m all ears.”

    Anisa Cantu Boarding Kennel Operator
  • “Don’t tell me what happens. I haven’t seen any of them yet!”

    Aaron Garbarino Unemployed

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