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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Phil Spector Jury Deadlocked

After seven days of deliberation, the jury in the murder trial of legendary rock producer Phil Spector said they were unable to reach a consensus. What do you think?
  • "Regardless of whether or not he committed this murder he should be put away for the atrocities he committed against McCartney's 'The Long and Winding Road.'"

    Tina Sumner Systems Analyst
  • "Might as well lock him up. Anybody worth recording with is in prison anyway."

    Chris Hook Sports Card Dealer
  • "It is pretty hard to decide. On the one hand, Spector has a decades-long track record of terrorizing women with guns, and on the other hand, he shot that woman in the face."

    Jerry Morris Architectural Draftsman

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