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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Phones May Help Diagnose STDs

British researchers are developing a computer chip that uses a smartphone and a saliva or urine sample to determine what, if any, sexually transmitted disease the user has. What do you think?

  • "That should free up my gynecologist to help me figure out how to make an international call."

    Gina Neville Systems Analyst
  • "Great, another piece of technology I'm going to have to spend all afternoon teaching my parents to use."

    Jason Porter Order Filler
  • "How can a program tell the difference between a disease and if you just spilled some hot sauce down there earlier, for fun?"

    Philip Modeliste Electronic Scale Tester

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