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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Photo Of Obama Shooting Gun Stirs Controversy

To corroborate President Barack Obama’s recent assertion that he shoots clay pigeons “all the time” when he visits Camp David, the White House tweeted a photograph of the president firing a shotgun that has drawn considerable scrutiny. What do you think?

  • “I’m sorry, but this one photo does not make up for all the other photos of him not shooting a gun.”

    Michael Vucelich Yeast Pumper
  • “Ooh. I had no idea our president was such a sexy, sexy man.”

    Bianca Karamanos Urban Anthropologist
  • “That has to be a Photoshop. No way Obama owns a belt.”

    Terry Christensen Gaffer

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