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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Photo Of Obama Shooting Gun Stirs Controversy

To corroborate President Barack Obama’s recent assertion that he shoots clay pigeons “all the time” when he visits Camp David, the White House tweeted a photograph of the president firing a shotgun that has drawn considerable scrutiny. What do you think?

  • “I’m sorry, but this one photo does not make up for all the other photos of him not shooting a gun.”

    Michael Vucelich Yeast Pumper
  • “Ooh. I had no idea our president was such a sexy, sexy man.”

    Bianca Karamanos Urban Anthropologist
  • “That has to be a Photoshop. No way Obama owns a belt.”

    Terry Christensen Gaffer
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