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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Photos Of Bin Laden's Body To Stay Secret

A federal court ruled that the government does not have to release photographs of the body of Osama bin Laden taken after he was shot dead in 2011, claiming the images could incite violence against the U.S. What do you think?

  • “Maybe they could lighten the mood a bit by drawing a big handlebar mustache or some eyeglasses on him in the photo?”

    Annette Francine Matchbook Assembler
  • “This is America; my right to salacious entertainment should trump any concerns about national security.”

    Roger Cole Ocularist
  • “If the U.S. government ends up covertly assassinating me after a decade-long manhunt, I’d appreciate they not show those photos either, please.”

    Trevor Bucossi Systems Analyst

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