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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Photos Of Bin Laden's Body To Stay Secret

A federal court ruled that the government does not have to release photographs of the body of Osama bin Laden taken after he was shot dead in 2011, claiming the images could incite violence against the U.S. What do you think?

  • “Maybe they could lighten the mood a bit by drawing a big handlebar mustache or some eyeglasses on him in the photo?”

    Annette Francine Matchbook Assembler
  • “This is America; my right to salacious entertainment should trump any concerns about national security.”

    Roger Cole Ocularist
  • “If the U.S. government ends up covertly assassinating me after a decade-long manhunt, I’d appreciate they not show those photos either, please.”

    Trevor Bucossi Systems Analyst

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