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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Piracy Down Sharply Off African Coast

Citing vigilant patrolling by international forces and heightened security by shippers, the U.S. Navy stated that so far this year pirates have carried out only nine successful attacks near the Horn of Africa, as compared with 34 in all of 2011 and 68 in 2010. What do you think?

  • “Sounds like the perfect time to take all my possessions sailing around the Horn of Africa.”

    Shelly Downey Occupational Analyst
  • “Well, there goes the last interesting thing about the news.”

    Joe Yamamoto Vine Pruner
  • “Oh, man, now I really have no excuse not to attend my cousin’s wedding in Mogadishu.”

    Clay Segal Electrical Line Splicer

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