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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pistorius Allowed To Leave Country, Compete In Races

A South African court agreed to return Oscar Pistorius’ passport, allowing the paralympic sprinter, who is accused of shooting his girlfriend to death, to leave the country to compete in international track meets. What do you think?

  • “Is the world of professional sports prepared to have an accused criminal in its ranks?”

    Clarence Hyvarinen Sandblaster
  • “What bravery. I would be too distracted by the death of my girlfriend to petition the court for my passport back.”

    Gary Troop School Bus Monitor
  • “Go Pistorius!”

    Jacqueline Snaufer Unemployed

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