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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Pixar Announces 'Finding Nemo' Sequel

Pixar announced that it will release a sequel to the hit 2003 animated movie Finding Nemo in November 2015, which will be called Finding Dory and will focus on the forgetful blue fish voiced by Ellen Degeneres and her quest to reunite with her loved ones. What do you think?

  • Finding Nemo was a great movie, but I’m just not sure if the exact same plot would work with a different-named fish.”

    Luke Adler Ear Muff Assembler
  • “Great. My divorce should be finalized by then, and this will be the perfect way to distract my kids.”

    Mona Villalobos Pharmacist
  • “2015? What the fuck am I supposed to do until then?”

    Basil Kemp Canoe Inspector

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