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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Pixar Announces 'Finding Nemo' Sequel

Pixar announced that it will release a sequel to the hit 2003 animated movie Finding Nemo in November 2015, which will be called Finding Dory and will focus on the forgetful blue fish voiced by Ellen Degeneres and her quest to reunite with her loved ones. What do you think?

  • Finding Nemo was a great movie, but I’m just not sure if the exact same plot would work with a different-named fish.”

    Luke Adler Ear Muff Assembler
  • “Great. My divorce should be finalized by then, and this will be the perfect way to distract my kids.”

    Mona Villalobos Pharmacist
  • “2015? What the fuck am I supposed to do until then?”

    Basil Kemp Canoe Inspector

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