Planet Made Of Diamond Discovered

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Planet Made Of Diamond Discovered

Using data from NASA’s Spitzer Space Telescope, astronomers have learned that 55 Cancri e, a planet eight times as massive as Earth and just 40 light years away, is composed largely of pure diamond. What do you think?

  • “We’re so lame. All we have here is a bunch of dumb water and resources.”

    Perry Summer
    Arboretum Director
  • “It must be pretty satisfying for astronomers to say whatever crazy shit they can think of knowing that no one will ever be able to check up on it.”

    June Shah
    Escrow Clerk
  • “Oh, no. This is going to make my fiancée’s ring look even smaller.”

    Paul Lehel
    Fuel Oil Delivery Driver