Planet Made Of Diamond Discovered

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Planet Made Of Diamond Discovered

Using data from NASA’s Spitzer Space Telescope, astronomers have learned that 55 Cancri e, a planet eight times as massive as Earth and just 40 light years away, is composed largely of pure diamond. What do you think?

  • “We’re so lame. All we have here is a bunch of dumb water and resources.”

    Perry Summer Arboretum Director
  • “It must be pretty satisfying for astronomers to say whatever crazy shit they can think of knowing that no one will ever be able to check up on it.”

    June Shah Escrow Clerk
  • “Oh, no. This is going to make my fiancée’s ring look even smaller.”

    Paul Lehel Fuel Oil Delivery Driver


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close