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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Planet Made Of Diamond Discovered

Using data from NASA’s Spitzer Space Telescope, astronomers have learned that 55 Cancri e, a planet eight times as massive as Earth and just 40 light years away, is composed largely of pure diamond. What do you think?

  • “We’re so lame. All we have here is a bunch of dumb water and resources.”

    Perry Summer Arboretum Director
  • “It must be pretty satisfying for astronomers to say whatever crazy shit they can think of knowing that no one will ever be able to check up on it.”

    June Shah Escrow Clerk
  • “Oh, no. This is going to make my fiancée’s ring look even smaller.”

    Paul Lehel Fuel Oil Delivery Driver

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