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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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PlayStation 3 Outage Angers Players

A programming bug in Sony's PlayStation 3 caused error messages to crop up this week, and the manufacturer urged owners not to use the gaming console for 24 hours. What do you think?
  • "You know, maybe I should take a break from playing PlayStation for a while and get back to playing Xbox."

    Lisa Bell Track Inspector
  • "I couldn't drive my Toyota or use my PlayStation, so I just called up my Grandpa and complained about the Japanese with him."

    Allen Chilton Systems Analyst
  • "Yeah, my son was pretty pissed. My son is the head of PlayStation, incidentally."

    Jim Stephens Neck Cutter

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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