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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Plot To Murder Justin Bieber Foiled

Two men have been accused of planning to capture teen pop sensation Justin Bieber at a recent concert, strangle him to death with a paisley tie, and possibly castrate him, a plot allegedly masterminded by a 45-year-old jailed New Mexico rapist and murderer with a tattoo of Bieber on his leg. What do you think?

  • “Hey, that was my idea!”

    Daisuke Koyama Unemployed
  • “Yeah, I felt the same way after Bieber changed his hairstyle, but you know what? I think I’ve grown to like the new hairstyle even more than the original.”

    Kay Rifkin Game-Bird Farmer
  • “How’d they get tickets?!”

    Tobias Hightower Radar Mechanic

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