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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Pluto Not A Planet?

Scientists from around the world are convening this week to decide whether or not Pluto fits the definition of a planet. What do you think?
  • "On the bright side, that's five fewer minutes I have to spend helping my son on his solar-system mobile."

    Dale Kenner Telephone-System Installer
  • "I just hope I'm not around when the news finally hits Pluto in 4,000 light years."

    Brenda Dobbs Unemployed
  • "That's cool. I hear Seyfert II has an opening."

    Dan Praeger Shampooer

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