adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

‘Polar Vortex’ Hits Nation With Record-Low Temperatures

A mass of freezing air that began in the Arctic hit the middle of the country with its coldest weather in two decades on Monday, with some states in the Plains and Midwest facing windchill temperatures below -50 degrees Fahrenheit and many districts deciding to close public schools for the day. What do you think?

  • "I can’t respect any vortex that doesn’t suck me into a new dimension."

    John Danvers Truck Loader
  • "So they’re going to cancel an entire school day just because it’s a little cold out and everyone would die?"

    Megan Murphy Architectural Assistant
  • "Why the fuck do you think I'm wearing these mittens?"

    Tom Magner Systems Analyst

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close